Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I can't turn off my feet"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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