I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
