i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
