I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
