Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I smell stomach acid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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