i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
