Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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