Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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