Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
