please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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