My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
