yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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