Just fell off a train. Bad.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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