Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
