She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
