The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
