Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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