I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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