She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
