Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
