I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
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I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
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Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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