Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
