i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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