i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
