other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
