I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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