So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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