I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
