Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
