my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
