I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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