erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
