If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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