I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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