the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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