I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
