What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
