The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
