I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
