Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
