i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
