just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
