Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
