i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she peed on how many people?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
