Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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