I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
