Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
