How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
