so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
