if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
