Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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