I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
