i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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