too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
